On Pickup Artists, the Incels of their Time

A Look Back at a Strange Subculture

Every man who is attracted to women has experienced a period where women are an enigma. There are probably exceptions to this rule, but the exceptions are few and far between. This period of “woman as enigma” usually coincides with puberty, around middle school, particularly ages twelve to fourteen.

The questions on a boy’s mind at this time are things like: “What makes a girl laugh? What do girls like? How can I get one to like me?” These questions can be agonizing for boys who receive no interest from girls. Those boys see the guys who get attention and wonder what the secret is and why no one has shared it yet.

Pickup Lines

Pickup lines are like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. At some point, everyone knows they’re not real. But most guys go through a phase of believing pickup lines work, and all that stands between themselves and affection is finding the right one. This belief is a window into the desperate mind of a young, straight man who lacks attention from the opposite sex.

Imagine believing there is a set of words that, if said in the proper order, will automatically awaken the desire of any woman. And not a set of words like “I opened an Amex in your name,” but one like “I hope you know CPR, because you just took my breath away.” In the mind set of the pickup-line-believer, these words are like a Harry Potter spell, an incantation that, if said the right way, grants the speaker his wishes.

Pickup Artists

Every now and then on Twitter, women share the names of books that are red flags if spotted at the home of a date. For some reason, the late David Foster Wallace’s “Infinite Jest” is often mentioned. Neil Strauss’ 2005 book, “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists,” also regularly makes the cut. The book chronicles the author’s journey into a subculture of self-styled “pickup artists,” men who are part dating coach, part lifestyle guru, part loser.

The “PUA’s” as they are known, tend to be men who struggled to attract women and sought to do something about it. These PUA’s are joined by other men who seek advice, and together, they try to improve their pickup skills, with the existing PUA’s teaching the aspiring PUA’s, sometimes for a fee. The book was a NYT bestseller and even spawned an VH1 reality show that aired for two seasons.

The book’s success was driven, I presume, by men like those I described earlier. Men who didn’t get attention from women in youth and, unlike many men, never grew to get attention in high school, college, or beyond. The Game offered solutions, tactics, and terminology. There was “negging,” giving a backhanded compliment to a woman in order to undermine her confidence so that she seeks your approval. Or “peacocking,” wearing a loud, attention-getting item to stand out and give women a reason to say something to you. Or “sarging,” going out in order to pick up women.

Some critics considered “The Game” harmless, the male version of countless books about how to land Mr. Right. Others labeled the book misogynistic, accusing it of reducing women to objects to be won. Consensus, if it exists, seems closer to the view that “The Game” and the men in it were harmless. More than one critic highlighted the irony that in the pursuit of women, these men instead discovered something else: each other.

Looking Back on “The Game” in the Era of Incels

In today’s world of incels and various groups who genuinely, almost viscerally, hate women, pickup artists feel almost quaint. Tame, even. Like incels, these men lacked attention from women. But unlike incels, PUA’s did something about it. And not “something” like complaining about how unfair life is or shooting innocent people. But something to actually solve their problem. They got LASIK, they shaved, they bought new clothes.

What PUA’s Were Wrong (and Right) About

Pickup artists and their students likely had more positive encounters with women after discovering the PUA community than before, but not for the reasons they think. It’s likely that discovering the PUA community resulted in more success with women, but not in being better at attracting women. Here’s how.

First, PUA’s focused on volume. They went out purely with the intent of picking up women. Imagine a PUA: Dave. Before, Dave would get one phone number a week. Now, after becoming a PUA, Dave gets ten phone numbers a week. Wow, this PUA stuff really works, right? Not necessarily. Let’s say now that he is a PUA, Dave approaches ten times as many women as he did before, that increase purely comes from approaching more women, not from being better at attracting women. If you shoot 100 three pointers and make 40, then you shoot 200 three pointers and make 80, you didn’t get twice as good at three point shooting. You simply took twice as many shots. I suspect most of the increase (to the extent there is any) in PUA’s attracting women simply came from them approaching so many.

Second, PUA’s formed a community. Attracting a woman when you are out alone is hard. A guy alone at a bar reads as depressing and kind of creepy. By simply finding each other, PUA’s increased their chances of going home with someone. Being part of a group makes it clear that people can tolerate you and that some people maybe even enjoy your presence. Having friends you are out with makes it less likely that a woman thinks you’re a creep or an axe murderer. So any increase in success with women by PUA’s also may have come from them having each other to go out with and act as social co-signers.

Some PUA concepts helped on the margins. Something like “negging” can get a woman with low self esteem to seek your validation. And wearing a feather boa, a massive hat, or otherwise “peacocking” likely also helps on the margins. Also, approaching tons of women likely leads to increased success from pattern recognition, practice, and realizing that rejection isn’t fatal. Also, improving your appearance by working out, shaving, and dressing better also moves the needle on the margins. But only on the margins.

Conclusion

PUA’s hearken back to a simpler time, a time before incels. Even being “negged,” while rude, is far from the worst thing that can happen upon meeting someone new. We’ve seen what happens when men of a certain age give up on themselves and decide it’s impossible that someone, somewhere, may one day find them desirable. We can only hope those men read the “The Game” rather than some crazy web forum. Better to buy a funny-looking hat to “peacock” in and go to the mall to “sarge” than buy something else and go to the mall with… other intentions.